Jesus Bugs (aka water striders) are those little bugs that skim across the tops of ponds and streams. You've seen them, I'm sure. I sort of love 'cause the idea of Jesus as this little bug, about to get eaten by a fish...I don't know. I'm pretty sure there's a joke there somewhere.
Anyway, I've always wanted to be like a water skater- metaphorically speaking. Skimming across the top of life, not making a dent in anyone's life. Zero impact- except for the positive. That meant always being agreeable, always smiling, always saying yes, sure, I'd be happy to...
That got me nowhere, but it took me almost 40 years to figure it out.
This week we got some news of the "mixed blessings" variety. My darling TMOTH needs surgery. It's good news because 1) it's possible to fix this thing we've been dealing with for 2 year and B) it's not what they categorize as "major." The mixed part comes with the words "Six Weeks of Recovery" and "Two weeks of absolutely no weight on one leg." We're a busy family- the kids are totally over involved and my work is going crazy (I know- "Just be happy you have a job, just be happy you have a job...") and having TMOTH totally out of commission for 6 weeks is going to be, um, tough.
One the one hand, I want to call out the cavalry. Casserole brigade, please? someone to schlepp my kid hither and yon? Yes, thanks! On the other hand, though, my internal Jesus Bug still lurks. Zero impact, remember?
Put all of those things together and they come out in this weird cocktail of mad and sad and scared which, to the naked eye, look like Cranky. Grumpy. Crabby. MEAN. That's how I spent yesterday and I think I scared TMOTH and the kids and my folks and the dog. (I'm most worried about the dog, to tell you the truth, 'cause she's usually pretty fearless.) But today, in the bright sunshine with a fresh cup of coffee and a fully night's sleep behind me, I'm feeling...better.
Now part of me wants to go around apologizing for my mood yesterday- and I probably should at least check in with folks to let them know it was a passing thing, not my new outlook on life. But there's this other part of me that looks at the big dent that I left yesterday and say...yeah. Those were feelings, you know? Big as they come and damn inconvenient at times, but hey-
it beats getting eaten by a fish, right?